This has been a very difficult year for me. I turned 35 this year and I feel like I'm in the middle of a mid-life crisis. I have been trying to 'find' myself again. For the last 12 years I have pretty much had things figured out but this year when my youngest started grade 2, it felt like my whole life tipped over.
Now, there wasn't any outward tragedy that I went through, no, it was more of an emotional, internal struggle that has been taking place. Realizing that my family doesn't need me the same way, but they still need me. Having a lot more free time and not knowing how to fill it, actually, to say that I didn't want to do my domestic chores to fill my time would be more accurate.
So many decisions were suddenly available to me, decisions I hadn't considered in years. "Do I get a job? Full or part time? What kind of job? Do I go to school - just take some courses or get a degree? What kind of courses/degree? Do we have the money for me to go to school" - So many questions and not many answers.
The biggest question was "How will that affect our family"? My husband is my best friend and he is willing to ask me the really tough questions, questions that if I'm honest, I won't always like the answer. When my husband asked me this and we really discussed it (my first priorities should be to my family, not my career), I saw what was beginning to take hold of my heart. I wanted it to be about me. I was living in the kingdom of self and not giving thought to how my decisions would affect anyone else. I just knew that I was going crazy in my head and I needed to figure out MY future right now! I was so focused on 'being someone' to impress the world with what I had accomplished that I wasn't able to see what my actions and attitudes were teaching my children.
Once the storm passed and I was able to see things a little more clearly, I also saw what kind of example I had been to my children. As their mother, I need to try to be an example to them and point them to Christ in everything I say and do. When I'm all wrapped up in me, I am unable to point them to the only one who can save them. In my selfishness, I was showing them how to turn away from Him and try to do it on my own, not to trust in the Lord for all things.
I am very thankful that the Lord opened my eyes to all this when it was still the beginning. If I would have continued on in my selfishness, I am afraid to think about the damage that could have happened.
I am still considering (and struggling through) what I would like to do in my future, however, I have a very different mind about it now. My husband has been instrumental in helping me make my decisions, he has really helped me to see things rationally. In order for me to get to this point though, I had to be willing to hear what he was saying and not what I thought he was saying. Communication is a big part of every marriage, not just talking but being able to listen to each other objectively. This is something that I'm still learning to do every day.
We are all together on this journey, encourage those you know whenever you have the opportunity!
With Love: Andrea
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